


Five-Minute Zootopia

by sirtalen



Category: Zootopia (2016)
Genre: Gen, Screenplay/Script Format, Silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-14
Updated: 2017-04-14
Packaged: 2018-10-18 20:25:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,209
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10624506
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sirtalen/pseuds/sirtalen
Summary: A slightly less than completely faithful summary of Zootopia's plotNote: If this is inappropriate for AO3 please let me know and I'll pull it immediately





	

**Scene:** A typical elementary school play, livened up by Judy Hopps taking courses from the Wednesday Addams School of Stagecraft.  
  
Judy: Blood! Blood! Bloooood! And DEATH! (quote!)  
  
Bonnie Hopps: Oh, sweet cheese and crackers.  
  
Stu Hopps: Hey, she’s your kid.  
  
Bonnie: And yours!  
  
Stu: With two hundred seventy-five of the little suckers, how can I be sure?  
  
  
**Scene:** At the school fair after the play.  
  
Bonnie: It’s not that we don’t love you, honey.  
  
Stu: It’s just we thought it best if your hopes and dreams were crushed by your family first.  
  
Bonnie: Before it was done by strangers.  
  
Judy: Mere parental misgivings cannot stop Bunny Cop!  
  
(meanwhile, Gideon Grey is being a big jerk)  
  
Gideon Grey: Bwahaha! That’s big fat jerk! (steals a little lamb’s faire tickets)  
  
Judy: You’re way too mush-mouthed to pull off an evil cackle.  
  
Gideon Grey: And you don’t know when to give up! (scratches her across the face)  
  
Judy: You’re right! I just wish I’d brought my Captain America shield for this scene! (gives the tickets back to the other kids)  
  
  
**Scene:** Training montage!  
  
Trainer: You’re dead, you’re dead, you’re dead!  
  
(Judy uses a classic WWE fighting move to take down a rhino.)  
  
Trainer: You’re violating the laws of physics, but you ain’t dead!  
  
  
**Scene:** Judy arrives in Zootopia.  
  
Judy: It’s soooo pretty!  
  
Animators: Thanks!  
  
Judy: My apartment stinks!  
  
Judy’s Obviously Married Gay Neighbors: You’re life is going to suck any minute now!  
  
  
**Scene:** Judy arrives for her first day of work.  
  
Judy: I’m so excited!  
  
Chief Bogo: I don’t care. Get to work, meter maid.  
  
Judy: I’m annoyed at this obvious hazing, but I’m still excited!  
  
  
**Scene:** Judy engages in X-treme Meter Ticketing, until she spots Nick and totally profiles him.  
  
Judy: I’m sure glad I was harassed by a fox in my backstory so I don’t look like a complete dick.  
  
Nick: Let me buy an elephant pop for my son.  
  
Elephant: No.  
  
Judy: Don’t be a dick.  
  
Nick: Thanks. Uh, ya got fifteen bucks?  
  
Judy: Sure. I’m sure my kindness will be paid off.  
  
(She follows him and figures out she’s been had.)  
  
Judy: I’ve been had.  
  
Nick: Yeah, and the best part is I haven’t actually done anything illegal!  
  
Judy: Assuming I ignore the obvious health violations when you melted and refroze the pops. (Seriously, using Fennick’s footprints as a mold?)  
  
Nick: Don’t care. BTW you’ve got cement on your feet.  
  
Judy: @#$%!  
  
  
**Scene:** Judy gets home, finds her Sirius subscription was for the All Depression Package, nukes a lousy meal, and gets a “heartwarming” call from her parents.  
  
Stu and Bonnie: Thank God our lowered expectations were answered!  
  
Judy: Oh, thanks.  
  
JOGMN: Told ya so!  
  
  
**Scene:** The next day. Judy gets bitched out by succession of annoyed ticket victims.

Judy: My hopes and dreams have not been answered.  
  
Citizen: Hell, are you a cop or not? (quote)  
  
Judy: Did you just use a blasphemous profanity in a Disney movie that isn’t Hunchback of Notre Dame?  
  
Citizen: Yes, now would you please catch the guy who stole my Chekov’s Gun?  
  
Judy: I’m on it!  
  
(Judy rips off her stupid vest Superman style and proceeds to wreck half of Little Rodentia.)  
  
Judy: But I made a friend with a random citizen that will prove plot relevant later!  
  
Chief Bogo: Don’t care. Turn in your badge.  
  
Mrs. Otter: My husband is missing!  
  
Chief Bogo: Don’t c---, I mean, we’re doing everything we can, ma’am.  
  
Judy: I’ll help find him!  
  
Chief Bogo: No, you wo--, oh hi, Assistant Mayor Belleweather Whose Name Seriously Isn’t a Big Clue Who the Villain Is.  
  
AMBWNSIaBCWtVI: Please, just call me Belleweather.  
  
Sir Talen: Good, because typing that acronym out twenty times was going to be a pain.  
  
Chief Bogo: I was just about to fire your Affirmative Action hire.  
  
Belleweather: But I just bleeted to the mayor what a go getter Judy is.  
  
Chief Bogo: (Facepalm.) Fine. Hopps, you’ve got 48 hours! Go find Eddie Murphy!  
  
  
**Scene:** Judy totally entraps Nick into helping her.  
  
Nick: It’s a fair cop.  
  
Judy: Why thank you.  
  
Nick: That’s not what I meant!  
  
  
**Scene:** They investigate a nudist colony.  
  
Judy: Oh, my goodness!  
  
Nick: What? It’s not like anything is showing.  
  
Judy: If you think about biology for more than two seconds that’s even _more_ disturbing!  
  
  
**Scene:** They run a plate.  
  
Judy: Couldn’t I just call the plate number to Clawhouser and get him to run the database search?  
  
Nick: Sure, but then we can’t show the Sloths are Slow gag that was completely spoiled in the second trailer.  
  
  
**Scene:** They track the car to a limo rental service.  
  
Nick: Oh, darn. You need a warrant to get in. My job is done here.  
  
(Judy chucks her carrot recorder over the fence for him to fetch.)  
  
Nick: Dick move.  
  
(He climbs the fence to get it.)  
  
Judy: And now I have probable cause to be here.  
  
Nick: Real dick move.  
  
(They find the limo, and the completely clawed up passenger compartment.)  
  
Nick: That’s bad.  
  
(He figures out the limo belongs to Mr. Big.)  
  
Nick: That’s very bad! Run!  
  
Polar Bear Enforcers: No.  
  
  
**Scene:** They are brought before “Mr. Big.” Who is an Arctic Shrew.  
  
Audience: _Ahaha_. Mr. Big is very tiny. _Ahaha._ Seen it!  
  
Nick: Hi. This is totally not my fault.  
  
Mr. Big: Don’t care.  
  
(They’re about to be “iced.”)  
  
Fru-Fru: Daddy, no icing people on my wedding day! (quote)  
  
Judy: Wow, my policy of being nice to complete strangers is really paying off!  
  
(Judy and Nick are guests at Fru-Fru’s Very Tiny Wedding. Nick earns an achievement for Tiny Table Manners.)  
  
Mr. Big: Go see my driver, Manchas. He’ll tell you about Otterton.  
  
Judy: Thanks! Wait, why was Otterton going to a mob boss for help instead of, y’know, _the police_?  
  
Nick: Has your idealism hit rock bottom yet?  
  
Judy: No, but everyone is certainly working on it…  
  
  
**Scene:** Mancha’s house.  
  
Judy: Hi, could we talk to you about Otterton going bonkers?  
  
Manchas: Sure. He went bonkers, right after he said something about Night Howlers.  
  
Judy: Care to add some corroborating details?  
  
(THWIP!)  
  
Manchas: Grr. Snarl.  
  
Judy: I guess not. Run!  
  
(Nick and Judy run.)  
  
Clawhouser: Have you seen my new app?  
  
(They get bounced off a bridge.)  
  
Clawhouser: Seriously, it’s the greatest thing in the universe!  
  
(Judy dangles from a walkway while Manchas menaces Nick)  
  
Judy: CLAWHOUSER! (quote)  
  
(Judy manages to pull a pair handcuffs bigger than she is from her utility belt, secure Manchas, and save Nick)  
  
Chief Bogo: I don’t care. Badge.  
  
Judy: But the guy was right there. And you have two witnesses, one of which is a sworn officer, and there’s evidence of the fight everywhere!)  
  
Chief Bogo: What part of “I don’t care” were you missing? BADGE!  
  
Nick: Um, no. She will not be giving you that badge. Look, you gave her a... a... a clown vest and a three wheel joke mobile and two days to solve a case you guys haven't cracked in two weeks? Yeah, no wonder she needed to get help from a fox. None of you guys were gonna help her, were you? Here's the thing, chief. You gave her the 48 hours, so technically we still have... 10 left, to find our Mr. Otterton. And that's exactly what we're gonna do. So, if you'll excuse us, we have a very big lead to follow and a case to crack. Good day. (awesome quote is awesome)  
  
  
**Scene:** On the skytram. Nick relates his sad backstory.  
  
Judy: And the Scoutmaster was _where?_  
  
Nick: Wish to hell I knew.  
  
(beat)  
  
Judy: Shouldn’t we put a joke in here?  
  
Nick: Do you really wanna try?  
  
Judy: (ears go down) ...no.  
  
Nick: Good, because I’m going to skip ahead to the Sudden Realization about the jam cams that should have been one of the first pieces of evidence gathering an actual police investigation would have done.  
  
Judy: (ears perk back up) Great. Now back to the comedy!  
  
  
**Scene:** Judy and Nick get help from Bellwether with the cams. Nick violates Bellwether’s personal space.  
  
Nick: (playing with her hair) It’s so fluffy! (quote)  
  
Every African-American Who Has Ever Had an Afro Ever: This scene is irritatingly realistic.  
  
Nick: So the car goes here, and here, and here, and down this tunnel here....  
  
Judy: Hey, how did they know to pick up all the victims in the first place?  
  
Belleweather: Shh!  
  
  
**Scene:** Nick and Judy sneak into the Abandoned Hospital Level.  
  
Nick: Seriously, this was one of the best sections of Half-Lope 2, Episode One.  
  
Judy: And me without my shotgun. Who builds a hospital on top of a hydroelectric dam, anyway?  
  
Nick: Two words: Shock treatments.  
  
Judy: Not gonna touch that one…  
  
  
**Scene:** Mayor Lionheart turns out to be Mayor Somewhat Justified Asshole.  
  
Lionheart: You were expecting anything else from the guy who voiced Cave Johnson?  
  
Doctor: Blah, blah. Possible genetic component. Blah, blah.  
  
(Judy discovers she forgot to put her phone on vibrate.)  
  
Judy: To the Bat Toilet, Foxin!  
  
Nick: And I thought that bit in your training montage was just cheap humor!  
  
(they flush themselves to safety)  
  
  
**Scene:** Mayor Lionheart is arrested, Judy tries to persuade Nick to join the police force, the press conference goes _very_ badly.  
  
Judy: Forgive me while I proceed to shove both feet all the way into my mouth. And I’ve got _big_ feet.  
  
Nick: _Not_ forgiving you. Maybe never. (shoves the completed application back at her).  
  
Judy: _Mmph._ (starts swallowing)  
  
  
**Scene:** Mayor Belleweather’s office.  
  
Belleweather: Hi, we’d like to praise you for your actions so you’re going to feel even _more_ guilty.  
  
Judy: Uh, no.  
  
(Judy turns in her badge, turned up to highlight the word “Integrity”)  
  
Judy: And the camera is looking right at _you_ , Smellweather.  
  
Chief Bogo: You’re still a good cop.  
  
Judy: _Now_ you like me!  
  
  
**Scene:** Back on the farm.  
  
Judy: Am I gonna get an “I told you so?”  
  
Bonnie Hopps: Hey, we’re not _that_ clueless.  
  
Stu Hopps: Speaking of clueless, Hi, Gideon!  
  
Judy: Wait, my childhood bully grew to be a nice (if slightly thick) guy?  
  
Gideon: Yep. Jerks can learn too!  
  
(Gideon properly identifies the Night Howler flower)  
  
Judy: I grew up on a _farm._ Why didn’t I catch that immediately? Curse my parent’s insistence on using proper Latin taxonomy!  
  
Latin Teachers; If _Midnicampum holicithias_ is proper Latin, I’ll eat my copy of Ovid.  
  
  
**Scene:** Judy zooms back to Zootopia in her parent’s truck and gives a heartfelt apology to Nick. Which he records.  
  
Nick: I’ll give it back after you get your Best Actress Oscar.  
  
  
**Scene:** They find Weaselton.  
  
Weaselton: I won’t talk!  
  
(and engage in some Jack Bauer style interrogation.)  
  
Weaselton: I’ll talk!

Judy: I’d normally feel bad about collaborating with a mob boss to intimidate a suspect, but we’ll gloss over that for the sake of comedy.

  
  
**Scene:** They find Doug and his subway car drug lab.  
  
Nick: Who’da thunk Disney could sneak such an elaborate _Breaking Bad_ reference into an animated film?  
  
Judy: Well, it is PG.  
  
  
**Scene:** They grab the air pistol and the Night Howler rounds for evidence, then Judy decides to go for the whole train.  
  
Judy: It’s a great plan!  
  
Nick: No it isn’t, but at least I get to play train conductor.  
  
  
**Scene:** The train crashes, they run into the Natural History Museum with the air gun and ammo, and are confronted by Belleweather.  
  
Bellwether: Behold, the seemingly likeable character is the true villain! Shocking, isn’t it?  
  
Judy: Wow, I didn’t see that one coming. It’s just like _Frozen._  
  
Nick: And _Wreck It Ralph_  
  
Judy: And _Big Hero Six_.  
  
Nick: And _Toy Story 3_.  
  
Bellwether: Grr, that last one’s Pixar! Anyway, get ‘em, boys!  
  
(The ram cops chase Nick and Judy through the museum. Judy trips over a horn and hurts her leg.)  
  
Judy: Ow! Curse this last minute dramatic injury!  
  
Nick: Shut up and let me act nurturing. (he starts bandaging her wound.)  
  
Judy: Wait, is that your Ranger Scout kerchief from your flashback? You mean you kept it for over twenty years?  
  
Nick: Um, yeah.  
  
Audience. _Awwwwwww._  
  
(Nick and Judy are shoved into the Diorama Pit of Doom. Belleweather shoots Nick with the Night Howler poison, or so she thinks)  
  
Nick: Grr, argh! (he pounces)  
  
Judy: Blood, blood, **blood!** And _DEATH!_  
  
Nick: And you just lost your Oscar.  
  
Judy: It was totally worth it for the callback.  
  
(Chief Bogo and the real cops show up to arrest Belleweather)  
  
Belleweather: Um, mistakes were made?  
  
  
**Scene:** Nick’s graduation from the police academy. Judy gives a speech, and then pins Nick’s badge on. He’s smiling _exactly_ like when he first wore his Ranger Scout uniform.  
  
Judy: And in conclusion: I was a condescending profiling jerk and got over it. Nick was a cynical jerk and got over it. Gideon was a bullying jerk and got over it. Chief Bogo was a dismissive jerk and still kinda is but he has his good moments, and Bellwether was an outright racist jerk and probably will get over it in about ten to twenty years with good behavior.  
  
Nick: And those Ranger Scouts that muzzled me when I was a kid?  
  
Judy: They can burn in Hell.  
  
Nick: Works for me!  
  
  
**Scene:** Dance Party Ending!  
  
Gazelle: (singing) [Everybody’s a little bit racist sometimes!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RovF1zsDoeM)


End file.
